Wednesday, April 20, 2011

Feed the Beast or Die to Self?

When baby is fussy and crying at my feet.  
When children argue and start bickering with each other.  
When fragments of lunch still grace the table, counter tops, sink and floor.  
When a not so pleasant smell appears from a not so pleasant little boy.  
When our school work is sitting there waiting for us to finish.  
When I hear cry's from across the house "mommy, I'm done!"  
When the buzzer to the dryer starts to scream at me.  

When it all happens at once, which is very common in our home, and my blood starts to boil.  The beast of selfishness groans deep within begging me to feed it's desires.  I have the urge to let it feast, to let loose and do what comes oh so naturally.  Sometime the beast gets full and I fall and beg for cleansing once more.  

But that isn't what my soul hungers for.  It longs for the fruits of the Spirit to always be present; love, joy, peace, long-suffering, gentleness, goodness and faithfulness. (Galatians 5:22)

It is a daily or even a moment by moment thing, this dying to one's self.  'Then he said to them all: "If anyone would come after me, he must deny himself and take up his cross daily and follow me." Luke 9:23

I yearn to be the tree that we read about this morning, 'the tree that is planted by streams of water, which yields it's fruit in season, and whose leaf does not whither.  Whatever he does prospers.' (Psalm 1:3) 

I want to learn like Paul did how to be content in every situation:
"I have learned how to be content with whatever I have.  I know how to live on almost nothing or with everything.  I have leaned the secret of living in every situation, whether it is with a full stomach or empty, with plenty or little."
(Philippians 4:12)  
 "But I am not a woman who ever lives the full knowing.  I am a wandering Israelite who sees the flame in the sky above, the pillar, the smoke from the mountain, the earth open up and give way, and still I forget.  I am beset by chronic soul amnesia.  I empty of truth and need the refilling.  I need come again every day - bend, clutch, and remember- for who can gather the manna but once, hoarding, and store away sustenance in the mind for all of the living?" Ann Vosckamp - One Thousand Gifts - A Dare To Live Fully Right Where You Are

When will I learn to live life to the full?  When will I learn to see you, Father, in our day to day moments?  To see every circumstance as a gift from God?  To serve as unto the Lord?  Meekness becoming  more of my makeup then anger?  Long suffering to fill my soul instead of irritability?   I want to learn it now, to live it now, before my children are gone and raising their own.

Although I don't have all the answers to these questions, I am starting to put some of the pieces together.  When I am in daily communion with my Father,  planting myself by the water of life, I am able to recognize His still small voice.

I hear it when my temperature starts to rise.  It's starting to become the louder voice.  I can either ignore that voice and fatten the beast or I can call on Him there in that moment.  It may not be audible to all, but my heart is calling, begging for His Spirit to rest upon me and put to death this beast of selfish groaning within.  To turn my focus off of self and put it onto Him.

He is faithful.  He is growing me.  Growing pains hurt sometimes.  I see my need for Him daily.  I see how retched this gal really can be.  I see my need for Him to send His only Son to be my redeemer.  I am broken. 

I praise you Father for the selfless act of giving us your Son to be the Savior of the World.  For being our example of dying to self.  That you use the small but mighty act of being a mother, to draw me to a closer, deeper fellowship with you through your Son.  That you show me how much I need your gift. Thank you for all your gifts...for they are all for our good.

Thank you Father for being our provider, for providing the perfect lamb to sacrifice our sins.  For always leading us back to the cross.

Solo De Gloria
To God Alone the Glory


1 comment:

Janelle said...

You're a wonderful wife and mother Jennie!